a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He told me they were just razor bumps!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
