Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
