im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My balls are so social today.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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