The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
