I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
