3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
