My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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