Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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