I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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