Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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