I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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