I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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