We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
