I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Randomize
