dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
