I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
