Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
