idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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