escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
