saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
