I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
