Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
