Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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