well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
