Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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