Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
