Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
