Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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