I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
did i just pee glitter
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
