would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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