I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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