My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
