I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
how drunk are you?
Several
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
