That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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