Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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