god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
