My liver just broke up with me...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
