i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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