I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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