tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
