I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
