Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
