I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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