Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
