you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
