And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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