Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
