please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
