i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
