In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
