So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
