my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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