I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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