Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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